


The Start of Every Sleepless Night

by adiwriting



Series: My Wish [5]
Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, Language, M/M, References to Suicide, References to self-harm, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:06:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adiwriting/pseuds/adiwriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Blaine moves to California, Kurt and Blaine have to deal with being separated for their senior year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Start of Every Sleepless Night

_Can’t talk right now. Henley got us into Akbar! Wait up for me? XO – B_

Kurt stared down at his phone, frustrated, but not in the least bit surprised. Blaine had ditched their phone date to go to a bar. Again.

It wouldn’t have bugged him so much if this were the first time it had happened. But this was the third time this month and a Tuesday, no less. Jesus Christ, Blaine had early morning rehearsals for the musical the next day. He had no idea what his boyfriend was thinking. He never knew what he was thinking anymore.

It all started when Blaine met Henley Whitmore two weeks after moving to California. Up until that point, he had never been anything less than an attentive, entirely punctual boyfriend. And a sober one at that. Sure, Blaine indulged in alcohol occasionally back in Ohio, who hadn’t? There had been fancy benefits with negligent parents, late nights on the roof of Dalton when irresponsible RAs had fallen asleep, and even a New Directions party or two. But that was to be expected of a high school boy.

Driving into the city on a weekday to get so drunk you pass out on a park bench? That was most definitely not normal. Not at any age and certainly not while Blaine was still underage.

Kurt didn’t know whether to be pissed or concerned that Blaine was letting this pompous, too-tan hipster destroy his life.

Kurt picked up his phone and dialed Lexi’s number.

She picked up barely into the first ring.

“He didn’t,” she said with a hint of venom in her voice.

Kurt hadn’t been the only one to get pushed aside with the addition of Henley Whitmore. Lexi hadn’t even spoken to Blaine in three weeks and he barely returned her text messages.

“He did.”

They both let out a deep sigh.

She was the only one he could talk to about this. Mercedes and Rachel would just give him another lecture on how LA “changes people” and tell him to break up with Blaine. Tina would go on one of her rants about respect and tell him he deserved better. And Finn? Finn would get freaked out and say something awkward. He didn’t do well with relationship advice; he could barley handle his own relationships.

None of his friends would hear his complaints and actually be concerned for _Blaine_. Nobody would be able to give him advice on how to actually help fix the situation. They could all agree that there was something seriously wrong with this, but they would just tell him to end it. They didn’t understand.

“I don’t even know how he’s getting away with it. His mom would flip shit if she knew,” Lexi said.

“He tells them he’s sleeping over at a friend’s to run lines. I think she’s in denial,” Kurt said.

“They’ve been pretty stressed with the move. I overheard my parents talking, Mr. Anderson is having a hard time getting the business up and running,” Lexi said, as if it were some kind of excuse. Sure, the Anderson’s had gotten better when it came to caring about Blaine, but they weren’t going to be winning any parenting awards anytime soon.

“I just don’t understand why he’s doing this,” Kurt groaned, throwing himself down on his bed. If he wasn’t going to be Skyping his boyfriend, he didn’t have to worry about his hair getting messed up.

“Please, this is quintessential Blaine right here.” Lexi snorted.

“What do you mean?”

“Blaine becomes whoever he needs to become to survive and fit in,” she said.

“Even if fitting in means becoming a drunken hipster pothead and blowing off the people that love you for you?” Kurt said with well-practiced snark.

“In all fairness, we can’t love him for him when none of us really knows who _him_ is.”

“I resent that,” Kurt said.

“No, I mean… I don’t think Blaine even knows who he is so how could we?” Lexi said. “He acts the part that we want him to play. And I’m not saying that it’s fake or anything, cause I know when he looks at you all lovey dovey he means it. He just has never been comfortable enough to be himself. Not completely. And certainly not since…”

“Not since what?” he asked, his ears perking up in curiosity.

“Nothing,” she said quickly.

“Not since coming out? Sadie Hawkins? What?”

“Blaine’s going to kill me for talking to you about this,” she said.

“He’s going to kill himself if he doesn’t slow down,” Kurt said far too quickly to realize the implications of what he’d said.

“Don’t say that,” she said with a sharp gasp.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t think,” he quickly apologized. “But it’s true. He needs to stop before he can’t.”

“Are you telling me you think he’s is an addict?” she asked in a quiet voice, sounding so unlike the loud fearless girl he’d come to know.

“No. I think he’s an eighteen-year-old boy testing the limits and trying to figure out this new world he’s found himself in. It just worries me that this _new world_ involves an awful lot of drugs, sex and alcohol.”

“I don’t think he would cheat on you,” she said, pointedly.

“I don’t think so either, but that’s hardly my concern. My concern is that he’s too easy to love and trust people and those ‘friends’ of his are going to take advantage of that and destroy him. So please Lexi, you’re his best friend, if there is something I should know, tell me.”

“Okay. But not over the phone. Come up to Crawford tomorrow after school.”

And with that, Kurt said his goodbyes and tried to get some sleep, which was easier said than done.

*****

At promptly seven in the next morning, while he was in the middle of making breakfast, Kurt’s phone began singing ‘Teenage Dream.’

“Hello?” Kurt said, slightly worried. It was far too early in California for Blaine to be calling him. He hadn’t expected the inevitable ‘I’m sorry’ phone call until at least 4th period.

“Kuuuurrrrrrttttttt,” his boyfriend whined over the phone, causing him to roll his eyes.

“Tell me you aren’t drunk dialing me right now?” Kurt said, beating the eggs harder than was necessary.

“You’re so sexy when you get angry. Did you know that?”

There was nothing sexy about how he was feeling right now.

“Tell me you are calling me at,” he paused to look at the clock on the stove and do some quick math. “Tell me you are calling me at 4am because something horrible happened. Your car broke down in the middle of nowhere and you’re lost in the desert. You were in the hospital all night and only just got your cell phone back. Tell me that you are not calling me at 4 on a Wednesday morning, when you have rehearsals in two hours, drunk off of your ass.”

“I love you,” Blaine said, completely ignoring him.

“You can’t do this Blaine. Not to me, not to your family, but certainly not to yourself,” Kurt said.

“I miss yoooouuuuuuu,” he said in the whiny voice that he had learned to associate with too much alcohol consumption. What was once cute was now worse than nails on a chalkboard.

He took a deep breath and reminded himself to stay calm.

“I miss you, too. So much. That’s why I was looking forward to our date last night,” he said. Honesty. That was always the best approach with Blaine. He always responded better to that than anger and snappy comments.

“Oh, date night. Sounds nice. Let’s have one,” he said and Kurt could practically hear his huge grin.

“We had one. Last night. You blew me off,” he said coldly.

“Oh Kurt, it was horrible.”

Kurt snorted. It was always horrible. More often than not, Blaine was miserable after going out. That’s why he didn’t understand why he kept doing it.

“There were so many boys there asking me to dance and I just kept telling them no, I have a boyfriend. And I just kept thinking of how I have a really hot boyfriend in Ohio and I’m in California. And wouldn’t you love California. But you can’t love California because you’re not here. And I want you to be here. I wanted to dance with you not some sweaty Kurt wannabe.”

“So you drank instead.”

“I sang karaoke instead. You would have liked it. Henley and I sang Beyonce.”

“Oh Blaine, you drunken mess of an idiot. You can’t handle Beyonce. We’ve been over this. Maybe Destiny’s Child, if you have the Warblers backing you up, but never Beyonce. I’m hanging up now. You’re making me burn the French toast.”

“Graham hates me. He’s been so mean every since I got his lead…”

“Goodbye Blaine,” Kurt said, pulling the phone away.

“Wait, Kurrrrttttttt!” He heard Blaine yell. He took a steadying breath before putting the phone back to his ear.

“What?”

“I wanted to have phone sex with you. I’m horny.”

“Unbelievable. Take care of it yourself,” he said, irritated. “I’m cooking breakfast, and if you think you’re getting anything from me after blowing me off, you’re crazy.”

“I thought you liked it when I was blowing you off,” Blaine said in what Kurt could only assume was supposed to be a sexy voice.

Without another word, Kurt hung up the phone and turned it off before Blaine could call him back. He couldn’t handle him right now.

A cough sounded from behind him and when Kurt turned around to see his father, he immediately dropped the pan he was holding in shock.

“Damnit,” Kurt said, bending down quickly to clean up the mess, avoiding his dad’s eyes.

“There a problem, Kurt?”

“No, everything’s fine. I’ll just give this piece to Finn, it can’t be worse than the stuff he usually eats,” he said, quickly cleaning up the mess he’d made.

“Who was that on the phone?” he asked with a warning tone.

“Just Tina,” he lied quickly. “She was calling to make sure I had the costume alterations finished for West Side Story.”

“And does Tina always call you this early in the morning to ask for phone sex?” His dad gave him a knowing look.

Fuck. Kurt was sure that he was bright red by this point. Damn Blaine, this was all his fault.

“Is there something I should know?” He asked.

“No.”

“So it’s not unusual that your boyfriend calls you at 4 in the morning?”

“How much of my conversation were you eavesdropping on?” he said with an accusatory tone.

“Enough to be worried.”

“Blaine is a good guy, okay,” he said. He’d been giving this speech far too often. “He loves me and is a good boyfriend. I’m not breaking up with him just because he’s going through a hard time right now, okay?”

“I’m worried about _Blaine_ , Kurt,” Burt gave him an amused look. “Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing talk about,” he said, lowering his defenses slightly. “Just give me some time to figure out what’s going on myself.”

“Alright, you’re eighteen now, I get it. Just… don’t take this all on yourself. If there’s something going on, you need to talk about it. You can’t always fix everyone’s problems yourself, no matter how much you may love them.”

“Noted,” he said. “Can we eat now, we’re all going to be late.”

“Sure, let me go make sure Finn is awake.”

****

Right on schedule, Blaine’s first “I’m sorry” text came during 4th period. Then again during lunch. And when Kurt didn’t respond, four times during 6th period. Each time the messages got more and more desperate.

_I’m sorry for being a drunken idiot. Can we reschedule our date for tonight? XO-B_

_Please don’t be mad at me. I still love you <3_

_I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blown off our date. I’m an ass. Can you forgive me?_

_Please forgive me, I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t :(_

_Do you still love me?_

_Oh God, you’re breaking up with me aren’t you. I’m so sorry. I take it all back, whatever stupid thing I said last night. I love you. Please don’t do this._

Kurt knew he should respond. Tell Blaine ‘no,’ he wasn’t breaking up with him. That he did still love him. And yes, he was an ass. But instead he pocketed his phone and made his way to Glee. He didn’t know how to handle this anymore. He didn’t want to keep telling Blaine it was okay. It wasn’t okay. Not in the least bit. But if he told him that he was mad at him, would they get in a fight? Would Blaine get pissed that Kurt was telling him what to do and go out more?

There are moments, moments like this, where he misses being single. Misses the freedom of only having to worry about himself. Of course things were better now. Better now that Blaine was there to share his life with and help him feel less alone in the world. And he wouldn’t change a single moment of his life since he met Blaine. But still… there are moments when he thinks being single was far less complicated.

Things didn’t get much better during Glee rehearsal. His phone kept going off in his pocket every five minutes while Rachel, Mercedes and Santana continued to fight over who would sing ‘Ain’t No Other Man’ (everyone should have already known he would own that) and Schuester just sat back and watched.

By the time he was leaving school an hour later, he was in a bad mood and just wanted to go home. He had already promised Lexi that he would meet her, so he got in the car and started the hour and a half drive to Crawford Country Day School for Girls.

“What do you want?” Kurt said into his phone as it went off for the twelfth time that day.

“Can we talk about this?” Blaine said sounding more upset than he’d heard him since moving to California.

“What do you want me to say?” Kurt said, resigned. “You blew me off for a bar you ended up being miserable at. Then you called me wasted and tried to get me to have phone sex with you. All of which my dad overheard, by the way.”

“Oh God, your dad is going to hate me.”

“It’s not my dad I’d be most worried about,” he said.

“Do you hate me?” he asked in that small voice he used when he was feeling especially insecure.

“No,” he said with a deep sigh. “I don’t hate you. I love you. Which is why this is so upsetting to me.”

“I shouldn’t have blown off our date, I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know. I don’t really have any friends here besides Henley. When I told him that I was staying in to call you he gave me this look, and I don’t want to lose him as a friend…”

“So you’d rather lose me as a boyfriend?”

“So you are breaking up with me.”

Kurt could hear Blaine crying through the line and it killed him. He hated that they were so far apart, that he couldn’t pull his boyfriend into his arms and promise him everything would be okay. That no matter what he did, Blaine would always feel inadequate thanks to years of emotional abuse from hateful classmates and clueless parents.

“No. I’m not. I just, I’m trying to understand your thought process, and if I am even involved in it.”

“You are, you always are.”

Kurt couldn’t help but smile at the sincere tone Blaine used. He always knew how to make Kurt feel loved. If only Kurt had that ability, maybe then Blaine wouldn’t be such a mess.

“I know it’s hard to be the new person at school. And I know more than anyone what it feels like to be alone and want somebody to talk to. But you shouldn’t let these people change you just so you can fit in with them. There will be other friends.”

“You don’t get it, everyone at school hates me.”

“I doubt _everyone_ hates you.” He rolled his eyes thinking back to days at Dalton where everyone worshiped the ground he walked on. Thinking of how quickly he’d endeared Kurt’s family to him and won over even the most guarded of New Directions.

“No, they do,” Blaine said with a bitter laugh. “I go to a performing arts school now. It’s full of kids that would kill their own mother for a chance at the spotlight. I walked in and got cast as the lead and they hate me because they don’t think I earned it and they’ve been here longer. They’re all just… It’s not like it was before. Nobody cares that I’m gay, it’s _me_ they don’t like. And there’s nothing… I just… Henley is my friend.”

“Okay,” he said in a soothing voice, trying to calm Blaine down. He only rambled like this when he was truly upset. “He’s your friend.”

“Nothing more.”

“I didn’t imply he might be,” he said with a smile.

“Okay. I just… Henley said you might be freaking out because you’re jealous and I don’t want…”

“Is _that_ what Henley said?” he said, cutting Blaine off. “Well you can tell precious Henley that I’m not jealous of him. I don’t think of him as a threat. In fact the only time I do think of his pot smelling, neon suspender wearing asshat of a self is when my boyfriend calls me drunk on a weekday because dear Henley thought it was a good idea to sneak said boyfriend into a bar.”

“You sound kind of jealous.”

Kurt sputtered for a few seconds in surprise. Where was this coming from?

“I don’t know who you are right now Blaine Anderson. But you are not the boy I fell in love with.”

“Kurt…”

“No, I’m driving. I shouldn’t be talking right now. I’ll call you later.”

“Please don’t hang up on me.”

“I don’t care that you smoke weed now or that you drink at hipster bars you’re far too young to get into. I care that you’re using drugs and alcohol to hide your issues instead of talking to me. I care that you want to be a singer and you’re destroying your voice. I care that you’ve been through so much and it would be so easy for you to fall into harder, more dangerous things. I care about _you_.”

“I’m fine,” he said.

“Of course you’re fine. You’re never not fine. I don’t know why you want to be a singer when you could win an Oscar with your acting.”

“You’re right. You’re driving. You shouldn’t be talking,” Blaine snapped back. And this, this is exactly what Kurt didn’t want to happen. He’d pushed too far, and now Blaine was pushing back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, knowing that the damage was already done.

“Yes, you did. But it’s okay. I deserved it. I’m an asshole that can’t do anything right.”

Kurt sighed, angry Blaine was impossible to deal with. He took every little thing far too seriously and got defensive.

“Maybe we should take a few days away.” Blaine’s words sent a cold shiver down his body.

Kurt’s eyes began watering up with tears. Because a break was the last thing he wanted. They already had enough distance between them they didn’t need to add more.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Relax,” he said, sarcastically. “I’m not going to jump off a bridge if we don’t talk for a few days. You sound like my mother.”

“Don’t joke about that,” Kurt said, seriously.

“That’s what you’re really worried about though, isn’t it. It’s what everyone’s so god damned worried about. It’s why I had to move here in the first place.”

“Your best friend committed suicide,” he said softly. “So yeah, you’re parents have a right to be a little concerned.”

“I have to go, the warning bell just rang and I can’t miss History.”

“Okay. I love you,” he said. And a few moments later, when Blaine didn’t respond he added, “I just wish that was enough.”

“I… you’re right. It is enough,” he said in a soft, more loving voice. “I love you, too. I’ll tell Henley I can’t go out this weekend and we can spend all Friday night Skyping and watching Project Runway together.”

“This weekend is West Side Story,” Kurt said sadly. “It’s why we planned our date for yesterday.”

“Fuck. I _am_ really sorry Kurt. I know you don’t believe me because I’ve been acting like a jerk, but I miss you all the time. This year was supposed to be magical. We were supposed to be together…”

“We are together. Now go to class, seriously. You can’t miss History or you’ll fail and lose your spot in the musical.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

With that Kurt hung up the phone and pulled into Crawford’s visitor lot, where Lexi was sitting under a tree waiting for him.

****

“Alright, spill it,” he said as he and Lexi walked down the campus trail. The weather had gotten considerably colder in the last two weeks, which meant indoor practices and relative privacy.

“How much has Blaine told you about his past?” she asked, leaning close to him for warmth.

“You have to be more specific than that?” he said, pulling her to sit down at a nearby bench near the field house. It would help block the biting wind.

“Okay. First off, you have to realize this isn’t something we talk about. Ever. Aaron was my brother, so of course I loved him. And now that he’s gone, it doesn’t really seem right to bring it up, so we just remember the good stuff. Everyone tries to forget everything else.”

“Everything else?” Kurt said, curiously. Because all he had ever heard from Blaine was that Aaron was his best friend and his first, but after they were beaten up after the Sadie Hawkins dance, Aaron was depressed and eventually killed himself. He’d never thought to ask for details; it didn’t seem like something Blaine wanted to bring up. Ever.

“Blaine used to play soccer, did he ever tell you that?”

“I’ve seen his trophies.”

“He was amazing,” she said with a wistful smile. “He and Dylan Cooper won national championships with their traveling soccer team. Dylan and Blaine were inseparable when they were little kids.”

Kurt stared at Lexi in shock. Because he knew that name. He’d met Dylan. It had been months ago, but he would never forget that night. Kurt had been at that benefit with Blaine. Shit, Mr. Anderson had beaten up Dylan Cooper that night. Blaine had never mentioned that they were once best friends.

****

“Yo, Anderson. You coming over to my house or are you gaying it up with the lame drama freaks again?” Dylan asked at their lockers after school.

“I’ve got practice,” Blaine said, rolling his eyes.

He didn’t know any better, Blaine told himself. Dylan didn’t know that he might be gay. That was why he kept saying that; he didn’t realize it wasn’t a joke. That his words actually hurt. He wouldn’t say it if he did.

“When are you going to give that up and come back to the team man? State’s in two weeks. Coach would let you come back in a second if you asked him,” Dylan said, putting his last book in his bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

“I already told you, I’m not playing this year. You guys are good, you’ll be fine without me,” he said.

He’d quit the soccer team three weeks ago after trying out for the school’s fall musical and getting a part as a lost boy. He’d been in soccer since he was three and he was just ready to try something different. He always enjoyed singing and dancing. That was what high school was for, right? To try new things?

“Fuck you, of course we’re fine without you,” Dylan said punching him in the shoulder. “I’m just saying, as your friend, everyone’s starting to think you like sucking dick. Who quits Varsity Soccer to wear tights and dance around and sing? I don’t know how you’re ever gonna convince Ashley Hunter to go to homecoming with you.”

“I don’t want to go to homecoming with Ashley,” Blaine said, closing his locker and walking towards the auditorium. He wanted far away from this conversation.

Blaine knew Dylan was only being rough on him because he missed him, but it was getting annoying.

“Of course you do, unless you’re actually a fag like Tony says.”

“Just drop it; I’m not gay, okay?” Blaine lied, throwing the doors of the auditorium open, leaving Dylan behind.

Weeks turned into months. While Blaine still went to sleepovers and house parties at the Coopers and even occasionally hung out with Tony, the gay jokes hadn’t stopped. Even worse, Blaine was now almost positive that he really was gay. He’d been questioning himself for so long. Ever since Corey’s coed pool party 7th grade when all the boys were drooling over Alexis Baker’s bikini and he was the only one without a hard on. At least he had been, before Corey’s older brother, Adam, had come out and taken off his shirt.

No, now he’d met Aaron Baker and there was no way around it. He still hadn’t kissed a boy, but the way his body reacted whenever Aaron took the stage to dance, sing, or even just talk… it wasn’t normal. Not for a straight boy at least. And there was only one thing that could mean.

He’d kept it to himself. He didn’t want to tell anyone until he was sure. But the jokes had gotten to him. So on the day before Christmas Eve, while in the Cooper’s basement for a horror movie marathon, Blaine confessed to Dylan. He told him that he thought he was gay. He told him how confusing it all was for him and asked him to stop with the jokes.

Dylan had been confused and surprised, but he’d promised that he would keep it a secret.

On Christmas morning, after all his presents were opened, he’d retreated to his room while his mother prepared breakfast. He opened his Facebook to wish his friends a Merry Christmas and he had 87 notifications. Assuming they were holiday well wishes, he went to his wall to begin reading.

He never read them all, there were just too many. But he’d read enough.

 _You should do us all a favor and die. Nobody wants you at school infecting everyone with your gayness._  
 **Harper Moore** and 34 other friends like this

 _If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. It’s in the bible._  
 **Bethany Ann** and 13 other friends like this

 _All Blaine Anderson wants for Christmas is a big fat dick._  
 **Tim Green** and 24 other friends like this

But the worst of it all was in a single message waiting in his inbox from Dylan.

_I let you sleep over at my house. You’ve seen me in my bathing suit. We’ve known each other for years, how did you never tell me. You’re disgusting. I know I said that I understood, but I really don’t. How can you like boys? It’s wrong. It’s a sin and you’re going to burn in hell for it. My mom said that all fags go to hell and I shouldn’t talk to you anymore. If you change your mind and decide you like girls again, call me. Otherwise, consider this my last message. I can’t be around you without wondering if you’re fantasizing about me naked. You’re my best friend, but this is just too much. You’re a fag and I don’t want to see you again._

Blaine deleted his Facebook account that night and changed his e-mail. If his phone didn’t stop going off, he was going to have to ask his mom if he could change his number.

****

“I can’t believe he outed him on fucking Christmas to the entire school. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy, let alone my best friend,” Kurt said, immediately thinking of Karofsky.

“It was pretty rough,” Lexi said, playing with a frayed edge on her skirt and refusing to meet his eyes. “Blaine was heartbroken. He’d just started finding himself. When he joined the musical, he’d been so happy. It was infectious. Then we came back from Christmas break and it was like he broke. He didn’t smile for months. He only talked when absolutely necessary. But that all changed when Aaron took him under his wing.”

****

“You’re doing it wrong,” Aaron said, walking into the dance studio where Blaine was practicing the steps for ‘You Can’t Stop the Beat.’ Blaine’s shoulders immediately slumped. Of course he was doing them wrong. He couldn’t dance. He didn’t know why they had ever cast him as Corny Collins.

“Let me help.”

Aaron walked in and set his bag down, immediately stepping into Blaine’s personal space and grabbing his hips. Blaine wanted to say something, ask Aaron what he was doing but no words could come out. It had been so long since he’d really talked to anyone; it was like he forgot how.

“You’ve got to loosen up your hips. Like this,” he said, gently moving his hips back and forth.

Blaine tried but he didn’t look nearly as graceful as Aaron.

“Kind of, we’ll work on it,” he laughed.

Blaine was immediately drawn to the smile that was being directed his way.

“Want to tell me why you’re in here instead of at lunch?”

Blaine shrugged. The last thing he wanted was for Aaron to find out how uncool he was. How the soccer team had made it their life’s mission to make his life miserable. He didn’t need to give Aaron a reason to run away.

“I know you know how to talk,” Aaron teased, sending him another big smile. “I ran lines with you in practice all day yesterday.”

“I ate in here,” Blaine said quietly. “I needed the practice.”

“You shouldn’t hide from them. They’re ignorant assholes and hiding is only giving them the satisfaction of winning. You’re gorgeous.”

Blaine blushed at the compliment. He’d never had anyone call him that before. It felt nice.

That had been the first of many lunches spent with Aaron Baker. And with each private dance session, each brush of feet under a crowded lunch table in the cafeteria, each beaming smile sent his way; Blaine began to find his voice again.

It wasn’t that the bullying had lessened. If anything, it had gotten worse. Just last weekend, his father had taken him to buy a new iPod when his old one had been thrown down the stairs. Today he had a Bible verse damning homosexuals shoved into his locker door. It just mattered less when Aaron Baker looked at him like that. Like he mattered. Like he was the only person in the world that mattered. Aaron was the oxygen that was keeping Blaine alive at this point.

So when Aaron brought Blaine into his room and kissed him, he didn’t object. If anything, he welcomed the feel of Aaron’s warm lips against his own. It’d been so long since anyone had been willing to touch him, even a simple hug, that it was magical. And so what if he wasn’t entirely prepared for Aaron to push him down on the bed and rub against him until they both came in their pants? This beautiful older boy wanted _him_. Curly hair, braces and all.

****

“They were joined at the hip after that. Nobody said anything about it, though we should have known better,” Lexi said.

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked, confused.

Sure, Aaron didn’t sound perfect, but he had been there for Blaine when he’d needed somebody. Aaron had done for Blaine what Blaine had done for him nearly a year ago with a Katy Perry song and a cup of coffee.

“Aaron was an amazing dancer. He’d danced in summer programs at the American School of Ballet. And he had this magnetic personality—a lot like Blaine. Where he could make you feel better with a single smile. Blaine just fell under his spell.”

“So what was wrong then?”

“He was only like that on his good days.”

****

“Babe, you can’t keep doing this. I’m not your boyfriend,” Aaron said as Blaine stood in his bedroom doorway holding two cups of coffee.

“It’s just a coffee. I stopped by Starbucks before I came over. I figured it would be rude not to bring you one. What’s with you today?” he asked, walking into the room and sitting down on the bed casually.

“Nothing, okay. You should just go,” Aaron said, quickly pulling down his sleeves. Blaine noticed though and rubbed a frustrated hand through his shaggy hair. So it was going to be one of _those_ days.

“You invited me over,” he reminded him gently, never knowing how to handle him when he got into these moods.

“Yes and you just came.” He laughed harshly. “Like a sad, lost puppy. Have some self respect.”

“Why do you always do this?”

“Because you always do this,” Aaron said, flailing his arms around manically. “You show up here looking like you just found out Santa doesn’t exist. I need a man, Blaine. Don’t you get that? I’m never going to want you. You’re young and inexperienced and frankly not that cute.”

“Two days ago you told me you loved me.” He looked at him pointedly, trying to ignore the sting of his harsh words. He doesn’t mean it, he reminded himself. He never means it.

“I was trying to have sex with you, Blaine. Of course I told you that. I would have told you anything to get in your pants. And you know what? It worked. You’re so easy it’s not even fun.”

At this, he couldn’t hold back his tears any more. He’d given him his virginity. He’d given it so easily when he hadn’t even _wanted_ to. He knew that he wasn’t ready, but Aaron said he loved him and Blaine trusted him. Aaron _needed_ him. He didn’t get to talk to him like that. Not when Blaine had been the one to hold Aaron together. Not when he was the only one who knew the truth about what Aaron did behind locked doors every night.

“I don’t believe you. You meant it,” he said, stubbornly.

“No, I didn’t,” he screamed, throwing the coffee at the wall and staining the cream carpet. Blaine jumped at his blind rage. Aaron had never laid a finger on him, but there was always a first.

“What is it going to take for you to see? I don’t care about you. I’m just using you for sex because you’re the only other gay kid in this entire town. It’s you or my hand. Frankly, with how clingy you are, I’d rather have my hand, thanks.”

“Well, have fun with that, asshole,” Blaine said, standing up suddenly. He didn’t have to take this. If Aaron was just going to insult him, he could just be alone. “Tomorrow you’re going to wake up and regret all of this, but I don’t give a damn. Don’t call me. Don’t text me apologies. You want to keep slicing your arm open, call a help line. I’m done.”

“Go kill yourself, Anderson. It’s what everyone wants anyway.”

Blaine could hardly breathe. Their arguments had never gotten this bad before. Aaron had said some hateful things, but it’d never gone this far before. He knew better. He knew about the letters in Blaine’s locker every day. How could he have said that? How could he tell him he loved him then say something like that?

****

“Tell me that was the last time Blaine talked to your brother,” Kurt said, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach. He wanted to throw up.

He had no idea. Blaine had never told him. He’d said he’d never been anyone’s boyfriend and that he was bad at romance. Sure, he knew that Blaine had slept with Aaron at some point. But he’d assumed that was some drunken hookup at a party. Blaine had said he’d never had a boyfriend. He’d never mentioned this…

“They made up two days later when Aaron started taking his meds again,” Lexi said, sniffling. “I never should have… They didn’t have anyone else. We all thought they were better off together than alone. It was selfish. God, we were so selfish. Aaron just needed Blaine so much that we ignored how bad it must have been for Blaine.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kurt said, even though part of him wanted to scream at her for letting any of this happen. “Blaine wouldn’t have let your brother be alone in all of that. He thinks he can save everyone.”

“Funny, your dad says the same thing about you,” she said, wiping her nose on the end of her sleeve. Kurt cringed, but bit back a nasty retort. Now was clearly not the time.

“So what happened after that?” he asked, trying to get them back on topic.

“They were so good after that. At least for awhile. I’d never seen my brother so happy. They were always stealing kisses during drama club and cuddling on the couch. He practically lived at our house. His dad and he were still having problems, so Blaine would always come over for family dinners. But then the Sadie Hawkins dance happened.”

“And they both got beat up,” Kurt said, knowingly. This part of the story, he’d heard.

****

“How is he?” Blaine whispered. It still hurt too much to talk.

“He’s fine, sweetheart,” his mother, soothingly. She kept reaching her hand out to touch him, then pulling away when she realized there wasn’t a part of him that wasn’t bruised and broken.

“I need to… I want to see him,” he said.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” she said. “You’re both in pretty rough shape. You should get some more rest. The doctor said you won’t be going back into surgery until tomorrow.”

“Mom,” Blaine said, giving her a pleading look.

Blaine could still remember it. He hadn’t passed out when they were hitting them, repeatedly. Not like Aaron had. He could still see the dark hoods and masks. He could still hear the taunts, the slam of the bats against pavement and skin, the screams from both Aaron and himself. And he could still see Aaron. He couldn’t close his eyes without seeing his best friend covered in blood, eyes rolled into the back of his head, bone sticking through the skin of his forearm.

“Aaron’s having a really rough time right now. He’s awake, but he’s not up for company. I think you should get some rest. Maybe when you wake up, he’ll be ready.”

“FUCK YOU!”

Blaine heard Aaron’s voice screaming through the wall. He turned to give his mom a concerned look, immediately trying to sit up so he could go to his friend. He clearly needed him.

His father, who had been sitting silently in the seat next to the bed, stood up and forced Blaine to lie back down.

“Your mother told you to rest. There’s nothing you can do for him,” his dad said in a stern voice.

“THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT! I CAN’T FUCKING DANCE AGAIN AND IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!”

Blaine winced at that one, but reminded himself that Aaron was in pain. He was hurting and angry; he didn’t mean it. He never meant it.

“Mom.” Blaine turned his head to look at his mom, tears filling his eyes. “I need to explain to him, it wasn’t… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Of course you didn’t,” she rushed to his side and carefully put her hand on his cheek to wipe away his tears.

“You should have taken Lexi instead,” his dad mumbled.

“This is hardly the time for that, William,” his mother said.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“He’s just upset,” his mom said. “The doctors had to put pins in his arm. It should heal alright, but he won’t be able to do ballet for awhile...”

****

“Aaron’s arm never healed properly. He pushed it too hard. He wouldn’t wear his brace and would practice on it before he was ready. It was his own fault he could never do ballet again. But he blamed Blaine,” Lexi explained.

“It wasn’t Blaine’s fault! How would any of that be Blaine’s fault? Did your brother forget that they beat him up, too? He was in the hospital for a week! He couldn’t sing for months because of a punctured rib!”

“I know.”

“And don’t even get me started on—”

“I know, Kurt,” Lexi said loudly, holding her hand up to stop him. “Don’t you think I fucking know? He’s my best friend. I don’t blame him for this. None of this was ever his fault. I’m just telling you what happened.”

“Well your brother seems like a self-centered douchebag.”

“Seemed,” she said, harshly. “He killed himself three months after the accident.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to slow down his breathing. “I know. I just, how could he take it out on Blaine, when all Blaine had ever done was be there for him?”

“My brother was really sick.”

Kurt snorted, too annoyed to worry about being polite. The thought of anyone treating Blaine—sweet, trusting, adorable Blaine—like that made him want to scream. Why did people have to be so cruel?

“It’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact. He was sick, sicker than anyone realized. And he had no right to treat Blaine like he did. Like a toy he could take out and play with when he wanted and throw away when he didn’t. Blaine deserved so much more than that. But they were best friends and they were in love with each other.”

“Don’t say that word. That isn’t love. Love doesn’t look like that.”

“No,” Lexi said. “I guess it doesn’t.”

“So this is where all of Blaine’s issues come from? His incessant need to be liked, trying too hard, being terrified to say how he really feels? Shit, the drinking? It’s all because of this?” Kurt asked.

“To be fair, it’s not just Aaron’s fault. Blaine’s been like that his entire life. He never fit in completely with his friends growing up and they hazed him for being different. And his father is a piece of work.”

“But he has friends now,” he said. “He has you. He has everyone from Dalton. That’s not fake. Sure, he might have tried too hard to get them to like him at first, but they like _him_. And his parents are getting better. They aren’t perfect, but they’re trying. He knows his dad loves him, which is more than he knew this time last year. He has me… I don’t understand why he’s going off the deep end now?”

“I think he’s just tired of having to fight. All of his friends on the other side of the country and he’s still having to work so hard at a relationship with his dad. He’s just insecure and understandably needy and this Henley is nice to him. He accepts Blaine and he offers him a way to get away from all the stress.”

“By drinking,” Kurt says.

“I’m not saying I like it. I just… I understand it.”

“I don’t understand why he never told me any of this,” Kurt said.

“Because you’re his perfect thing,” Lexi said with a soft smile. “He’s always so scared of messing it up.”

****

“I have a guilty confession,” Kurt admits over Skype, four days later.

It’s a Sunday night and he’s just gotten home from the matinee performance of West Side Story. They are both eating Chinese food and have Wizard of Oz playing in the background. Though they’ve only had time to exchange text messages and quick phone calls between curtain calls since their fight on Wednesday, they had managed to plan and keep a date for today.

“What?” Blaine asked.

“Lexi told me all about Aaron,” Kurt said, holding his breath.

Blaine remained silent on the other end. Kurt watched as he put his head down and ran his fingers through his hair, like he always did when he was angry but trying not to be.

“I know I should have gotten the story from you,” he said. And it was the truth. He really should’ve come to Blaine with his concerns. “It was your story to tell and none of my business really, except it kind of is.”

Still, Blaine remained silent, but Kurt could hear some sniffling.

“Please say something to me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, still refusing to look up from his keyboard.

In the background ‘The Merry Old Land of Oz’ began playing, which Kurt knew to be Blaine’s favorite part. He turned his TV down and directed his attention back to his boyfriend.

“Sorry? Why are _you_ sorry?”

“I was so horrible to Aaron. He deserved so much better than me. It’s why he never wanted to be my boyfriend. I should have been more helpful, but I was so young and confused and then he…” he trailed off, unable to finish.

“Blaine…” Kurt said, unable to think of anything to say to that. How did they get here? How, after all their time together, could Blaine still not see how amazing he was? How important he was to Kurt? How could he not see how wrong Aaron had been?

“I get it. You don’t want to date me. You deserve better, too.”

“William Blaine Anderson. Stop it right now. You deserve the world. Aaron was lucky to have you and he knew you were amazing. That’s why he pushed you away. He didn’t want you involved in all of his mess. I know. I would feel the same way. You deserve candlelight and rainbows and hundreds of serenades to all the Katy Perry songs you love. You deserve family and friends that accept you and not just the parts of you that you chose to show. All of you. None of us are good enough for you. None of us can give you all of that. But your parents are trying so hard to give you a place you can be you. And you have Lexi who loves you like a brother. Who doesn’t blame you in the slightest for Aaron. And you have me, who loves every inch of you. We’re not perfect, but we’re here. And we love you. So will you please trust in _that_.”

“Okay,” Blaine said with a shaky breath.

“Good, now repeat after me. I, William Blaine Anderson.”

“I, William Blaine Anderson,” he said.

“Will never blow off my boyfriend again.”

Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes and sent Kurt a shaky smile.

“Will never blow off my boyfriend again.”

“I will stop drinking on the weekdays and ruining my voice and my future by smoking.”

“I will stop drinking on the weekdays and ruining my voice and my future by smoking.”

“And whenever I am feeling sad, I will not go out. I will call my boyfriend and have phone sex instead,” Kurt said with a flirty smile.

“I thought you said you were against phone sex.” Blaine grinned at him.

“I’m against drunken phone sex. There’s a difference.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you, Blaine. More than you could ever know. So please do me a favor and take care of yourself. That’s my heart you’re carrying with you.”

“Since when are _you_ such a sap?”

“Since I realized my boyfriend needs it far more than I ever knew,” Kurt said, honestly.

“I am fine, you know. I’m not going to break.”

“I know you aren’t. And I want you to know that you’re free to find yourself out there. I want you to be whoever it is you’re going to be. I’m going to love whoever that man turns out to be.”

“Even if he wears tan Ked loafers?”

“I knew you didn’t throw those out!” Kurt laughed. “But yes, even if you wear hideous shoes that look like they belong to Rachel Berry. I’ll still love you.”

At Blaine’s shocked gasp, Kurt added, “There’s more to life than clothes, you know.”

“I know. I just never thought I’d hear you say that.”

And that was how Kurt managed to get his boyfriend back. It was still hard. Every day they had to spend apart until they could move to New York together was torture. There were still fights. It took Blaine forever to find himself in that overwhelming school. But they made it work. Blaine never missed a phone date again. Kurt had taken to sending entirely sappy text messages every day, because Blaine needed the reminder. It worked for them, for now.

Before they knew it, there were acceptance letters and dorm room assignments. There was a shared spring break in Paris. There were flights back and forth for each other’s prom. There was Blaine’s Senior Showcase and Glee Club Nationals. There was graduation and three weeks in San Diego. There was orientation. And finally, after the longest fourteen months of his life, there was move-in day.

Blaine met him at the campus coffee shop that afternoon wearing tan Ked loafers, high-water jeans and suspenders. But Kurt didn’t care because he was leaning against the wall with such genuine confidence and ease Kurt couldn’t help but smile.

“Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” Blaine said, wearing a sexy grin. “I’m new here.”

Kurt rolled his eyes but held out his hand playing along. “I’m Kurt.”

Blaine grabbed his outstretched hand, but instead of shaking it, he dragged Kurt closer to him.

“I just wanted an excuse to do this,” Blaine said, leaning down to kiss him.

Yes, it had taken them a while to get there, but they were here now and Kurt was more than happy to enjoy their happily ever after while they had it. Before classes, auditions and life decided to get in the way. No, right now, they were definitely going to be enjoying this.


End file.
